So some of you may know that I have been going through some spiritual roughness over the past couple of weeks. I wouldn't call it hard but instead challenging. I want to share this journey with you because you need to know that this is who God is, shoot, I need to be reminded everyday. After this revelation, I asked the Lord if I could write a blog about it, and he said, "Yes!!" So I know that I know, that this message is also personally for one of you reading.
So to start from the beginning. I spent several nights asking the Lord to come, to come personally to me, with some new piece of him. The Lord has always been faithful to do this, however, generally in the context of community. So here in Cambodia, I longed for a taste of him in our intimacy alone. I really wanted to experience, that Jesus could be the same Jesus in a spirit-filled church as He is in a Cambodian bedroom. So I asked for this time and time again, and for several reasons the Lord withheld, I withheld also out of fear but fear is for another blog. He withheld, he did not leave, but he most defiantly withheld himself. This nearly threw me into a frenzy, because I knew that the promise of God was to always pour out his spirit. This confusion lead to more confusion and more confusion. A thousand questions, convictions, and challenges began to swim through my head over the weeks. I couldn't rope in my thoughts. I couldn't find answers. I prayed again and again for wisdom...and nothing came.
Then through a conversation with Kit and a few emails. The Lord reminded me of His truth. He reminded me that He always takes me on a journey before revelation. He ask me to wait, to wait patiently on him as a bride waits for his groom. This is a mark of a bride! This is a mark of a women! So I surrender myself to the waiting. I no longer tried really hard, I just waited on the promise!! This felt like freedom! I no longer worried, I trusted. The revelation was sweeter this way because Jesus drew me into himself. He brought me closer and closer until He could whisper love into my ear! It was truly beautiful and easy to wait on the Lord. It gave much much Joy.
I was reading come away my beloved and one of the readings stuck out! I couldn't get it off my mind for a couple of days. So I came back to it. The reading was on confession and conviction. It was based mostly off of verses through James. I read them in the morning and prayed that Jesus was continue to reveal the sin He wished to remove through out the day. Then I had an hour to spend with him in the afternoon and guess what...He came!! He brought the revelation that I had been begging for.
The next is literally copied out of my journal from that afternoon. To some this might seem random and not as beautiful as I am playing it out to be. However, these words spoke directly to every question on my heart and answered it completely. They were spoken directly to me, in such a personal fashion. This whole revelation was filled with other tiny revelations that showed Jesus character to me time and time again. I wish I could crack open my heart and show you exactly how I feel however, blog communication is much safer:)
From Come away my beloved:
"Then why set about excusing and rationalizing your sins when the way of confession and forgiveness stands open for you? Do not hinder me!!! For time is precious and I am waiting on you."
"Do not be smug about your ways, your ways are not my ways!"
"You are indulgent when I have called you to rigid discipline. You speak soft words when I require truth. You interfere with the convicting of the spirit when you smooth over confession."
Then the Lord lead me to James 1:15 and this birthed beautiful truth:
"Then after desired has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin when full grown gives birth to death."
Journal Entry:
3/25/2010
My desire for comfort gives birth to over-indulgence, laziness, and lustfulness. This if continued will only produce rotting death. So when trying to weed out sin nature, we must choke it before it is born. We must find the root of desire and cut it off before it can birth sin.
James 4
What is the root of your fights and quarrels, its the desires that war within you. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Okay, so Dad to be honest and confess my sin to you. I ask so that you will take it and replace it with you.
1.The root, the desire is comfort. I desire comfort above all. This is where indulgence, laziness, and lust come from. I long to be comforted. show me that a comfortable life is not your promise. show me that you desire to be my only source of comfort, so that I will never yearn for the momentary comforts of this world. Dad I give you comfort, I ask for the grace to continue to let go. Jesus knew very little comfort, so I ask to replace comfort with Joy! To replace comfort with eternal, supernatural Joy! That sounds like a pretty amazing trade:
I trade comfort for Joy!
2. A sin that has birthed from this desire is laziness. I have always assumed this was just part of me. It is, part of my flesh, but not of my spirit. I can feel the eagerness of my spirit straining within me. I ask that you would always give my spirit the louder voice. Give me grace to choose hard-work done in your name. Give me grace to serve you well and excellently. Give me a desire for excellence. Thank you Daddy for revelation
I will trade laziness for excellence
3. Judgment and pride. These seem to walk hand and hand. I have noticed a huge since of personal pride. I naturally view myself as better than others. I judge them instantly assuming that I could love better, work harder, manage more effectively, just be or do better in general. This is not all people but most. Naturally you would have me trade pride with humility. What does that mean? I think more than anything it means change me for you. This excites me! More specifically it asks me to view each person, situation, or circumstance through your eyes. To ask the spirit to show me more of you, and strip all traces of me.
So I trade pride for humility, I trade my eyes for your eyes
then Lord comes judgment that follows closely with pride. Jesus the righteous judge had compassion on his people and came to make up for the weakness of man. He showed compassion instead of rightful judgment. He knows compassion for He walked in struggle to the flesh. His constant intercession is a mark of that compassion.
I will trade judgment for compassion. I will trade gossip for intercession. I will love with sacrificial love in place of justified judgment.
Shoot your words are sweet. Thank you father for revelation, it flows over me. Thank you for speaking so clearly. Thank you for showing me what dying to me means. I imagine this satisfies! This revelation makes the trip worth while. The mystery of dying to me, looks like a trade of desires. I trade evil desires for holy ones. Thank you clearing confusion and allowing me to dive into your truth. Dad, thank you answering, for raining the promise of wisdom for all those who ask, it makes me want to dance!
Dad! You are who you say you are!!
This whole experience was backed with Joy. As each new truth was revealed, Joy washed over me. I had been set free. My current approach of try hard and fail was no longer needed. I was starting to understand Paul's encouragement all the more clear, beginning to see the clear separation of spirit and flesh, and the Lord laid out a clear road map for me to choose spirit. He is leading me on a path of righteousness, holiness! Woot! So far it has been wonderful but hard. I fail everyday. I am rebellious and selfish. However, I am learning who He is, and who I am, and who I desire to be. He comes to me in whispers, challenging me to choose this life of righteousness. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I am learning and He has compassion. He again does not want me to try at this, to struggle to beat down my long ingrained desires, instead he wants me to lean to him for strength instead of my own will power. This I am still learning to do! However, it is beautiful. He met me exactly where I am, and it made all the difference. I praise the Lord. I praise the Lord. I praise the Lord!!! Oh my soul!! Praise the Lord!!
No comments:
Post a Comment